Yesterday I was trying to eat some ice cream, but the kid I stole it from wouldn’t stop crying.

I went to a fancy dinner that had multiple sets of silverware and I panicked because I didn’t know what course the little fork was for. I shouldn’t have worried though, I got arrested for trespassing before anything was served.

One time I was bitten by a vampire. It gagged and ran away screaming.

One day I almost had sex. She took off her hair and put it on the nightstand. I was wearing some of those underwear that make your butt really big and I couldn’t get my pants off. She put her hair back on and left.