I watched a lot of bad stand-up comedy and I wanted to offer these Jeff Parker-approved lines for people that want to steal them:

• I had this girlfriend once (this is the whole joke)
• I cannot bear the weight of this guilt because I skipped leg day
• Yesterday I went to this store. Today I went to this other store. OMG SO MANY STORES RIGHT?!
• What about hats, amirite?!
• As a kid I wanted to be an astronaut. My dad said “Jeff, you’re too dumb to be an astronaut”. I said “Okay” and decided to be something else.
• I thought about auditioning for America’s Got Talent but the routine I developed where I demonstrate I’m double-jointed in both thumbs only lasted 3 seconds.
• As a kid I had a really good friend down the street named Joey. His family moved really far away but they came back years later for a visit. Joey and I sat there silently, not knowing what to say anymore. Applause, please.
• Last week I started stacking a bunch of cardboard boxes in my backyard. My neighbor asked what I was doing and I looked at him and nodded while tapping my temples, implying I had a genius plan. There's no genius plan. I'm just stacking boxes here.
• I've been practicing my Jack Nicholson impression. I went to the bank and said I'm Jack Nicholson and I'd like to withdraw a million dollars. They asked me to fill out a withdrawal slip and present some ID. Cool, my impression must have totally worked.
• I had a teacher in high school say I wouldn't amount to anything. I have this blog, I showed them.